Friday, October 01, 2004 @10/01/2004 04:55:00 am
Sigh.
Okay...I should be rushing off a work for later on today....but i just had to write some thoughts down before i go nuts....
recently, i found out a really really good friend of mine was attatched. Not that it's a crime or anything. On the contrary, i'm happy for her. Just that...now that i think back about it....i actually had a nagging feeling something was up with her since she had been pretty secretive and having "alot of things on (her) mind". I didn't wanna push, so i just let it go. I was (still am) concerned, but i didn't dare push her....somehow or another, psychic or stupid as this sounds....
i actually had a feeling she had a bf all along.
odd eh? well...i guess the way she talked about "not being deperate anymore" and how "great" it can be to be with a guy...it sorta gave it away though i didn't really notice or took note of it...
I guess i just couldn't beleive she found a man so fast. If i'm not wrong, she started school in the beginning of aug...and from what she said, they've been going out for a month...so they probably started end-aug. Though i was shocked that she told me only a month later, judging from the way she told me about the guy, he's a really nice guy. What was worse is that she actually told us earlier she was attatched, but i wasn't paying attention or something cause apparently others knew before me. Not that i'm picky or fussy that i found out later, but im just a little upset that i didn't realise or pay attention to it earlier.
And it only hit me now that she has someone to lean on besides us. Well me rather. I guess i've been in denial for a while...since a "sort of" intruder came in and stuff...as to why she insisted she's "destined to remain single all her life", i still don't understand when she was actually going out with someone...pretty puzzling eh?
Anyway, i really have no say as to how she should lead her life, but as long as she's happy, i'm happy too. So, i gave her my blessings, though i still don't know how much that meant to her. I guess i was just a little jealous that she had someone much closer to talk about ANYTHING in the world...but i'm ok now i guess...pple do change, pple meet pple along the way...get together...blah blah blah...i guess in our clique, we will meet more pple along the way...get attatched and stuff...then we'll eventually spend less time together...so...i guess im a little sad about that...since i don't intend to touch the dating world...cause like i may have said before, i don't believe in love, much less marriage since some stuff happened in the past...and stuff here and there that added on to it, so...
I don't know. Perhaps the loneliness finally hit me. Don't get me wrong, but i do like being alone and stuff since i don't trust pple easily. But...i dunno, i guess my believes are sorta shaken cause she now has this sort-of glow about her...they say love changes you...but oh well...what would i know...shes more secretive now, but it's okay...she has her man to talk to...so...i guess it's this "left-out"ness i have since when i hang out with them, i'm more quiet and moody...only because i'm really stressed out in school and having insufficient sleep...i mean, i still try to keep up with them, but i dunno...i just feel left out, dropped from the planet feeling u know? They're supposed to be the closest to me and just about the ONLY friends i hang out with since i don't connect well with my poly friends...but now...i don't know anymore...
There are rumours flying around about whos going out with who...whos desperate for who...blah blah blah...most of them are not true i guess, but i guess deep inside me, as much as i hate to admit it, there's this...how should i say it...longing i guess....and curiosity as to how it's like even though i detest PDA (public displays of affection) and couples clinging on to each other for their dear life along orchard road....i just hate it when they get all clingy u know? It's like, u're in love, so what? Is there a need to show it to the world that u are in love? it probably would'nt last anyway, most relationships don't. You meet new pple, u fall in love (or maybe infatuations/crushes, depends), u fall out of love, if u "think" u found the right one u get married...things don't work out, you get a divorce...and it starts again. It's a whole freakin' cycle and pple STILL go through all the heartache anyway. I don't get it. I really don't.
As a friend asked me once...if a guy were to say he liked me and wanted to date me, i'd probably think the guy's nuts or too terribly desperate...seriously. Then she was going on about how i wasn't that bad and stuff...but i seriously think i'm not cut out for that sorta thing. From what i've seen so far, most guys go for the girly girls...with inches of makeup and a kilo of accesories and half a metre of cloth to cover their bodice.....i just basically can't be bothered. it's too much of a hassle to be a christmas tree just to go to school and come back and be a auntie again...oh well...i guess it all boils down to self-esteem.
i guess it's just one of those times i'm feeling insecure about myself, cause no girl in poly so far does the same stuff as i do...all they can ever talk about is clothes and makeup and whine about their bfs....not that i'm being mean or something, but its true. That's what girls can EVER talk about...those are the "normal" girls i guess....maybe i'm just abnormal...cause no one really dresses like a guy(well sort of) and don't really care about how they look to pple...and no one ever really plays computer games or listen to rock all day long or do "guy-ey" things and be straight...(those that do are crooked so far)...i just feel...wierd and out of place u know? When i look at my sis now...she's acting like one of them...and her friends are like that too...i can't help but go "BIMBOS!!" but oh well...they're just being normal hormonal teenagers....
I don't fit in. I think that's what essentially bothers me. All this time i keep sweeping it under the carpet and think everythings gonna be ok...but this feeling gets resurfaced now and then...and i sweep it back down there again...
Now that i think about it...i guess i'm afraid that my clique is being like one of them...they start to dress nicely and take notice of good-looking guys and stuff....i mean, not like they don't notice guys since a long while back, but still...we essentially didn't care what we wore...but now...they're like "wear black...its a slimming colour...i stand behind...it makes me slimmer..." or something along those lines...and...i dunno...they dress much better now...and i still dress like some shabby beggar on the street...they essentially don't care of course, but i dunno...it bothers me in some strange way or another....
i don't know whether its just me being overly sensitive about my surroundings...or me going through some bout of depression again...
i mentioned some of these stuff to that friend...and basically she said "see a counsellor". i was like "okkkk..." since it was quite unlike her to get straight to the point...i guess shes just tired of me saying the same old stuff again and again....i don't blame her...im just glad shes happy with some guy...and im glad i didnt just jump into some stupid relationship a while back with her help......now that i think about it, he was pretty much a jerk...and boring, so....
my work's waiting...the deadline's drawing nearer...i'll be okay...i've always been okay...so...i will get through these 2 weeks...i have to. i guess i just think too much sometimes....and im just a little sad she'll be spending less time with us since she has a man....oh well...i'll be okay. She's happy, i'm happy too. She has my blessings and all the happiness anyone can wish for, that's all that matters.